I'm sitting at a coffee shop in Seattle on a beautiful and sunny February morning. A rare thing for Seattle... the sunshine and a coffee shop full of people chatting it up, listening to the roaring of voices talk about their lives and what they are doing. I've come here to write this blog and come to terms with the fact that I have decided to leave yet another place and begin the journey onward to somewhere the sun shines all of the time and I can swim in the warm ocean and listen to waves as I watch dolphins fishing for their breakfast and pelicans surf foamy waves. Its where my heart is leading me, for now anyways.
Ten and half years ago, I couldn't wait to leave the place I grew up. The ocean, the sun, my family, all that was comfortable yet EXTREMELY uncomfortable. Back then my heart was being called to the Northwest. I knew I needed to connect deeply to the trees and experience a new atmosphere. I needed to have space from the place I grew up and all of the memories that came along with it. I needed to grow and expand and heal. Before that, I couldn't wait to leave that place, where the sun shines, and live outside of the country and have less. I was 26 at the time and went through what I would call my "midlife crisis". Yes, it was a bit early in life, but I literally had to get out, sell everything, and take in the unknown. I hadn't even begun my deep inner work and had no idea who I was, or what I wanted. I just knew I had to go, so then I ran. I ran as far as I could and went to Costa Rica for a year.
And here I am AGAIN..... except this time I'm going back to that place. That place I said I would never go. That place where there was so much pain, so much beauty, so much confusion. It was also the place where the ocean meets the sky, where the land sings to me, and the moss hanging from oak trees absorbs all that doesn't work for me. Its a place that holds the memories of my childhood. The place my grandfather loved and where the best memories of him remain for me. The place that is calling me back. And everything leading up to this moment has been perfectly aligned. I think of all I have done in the past ten and a half years. I've traveled to Bali, Mexico, & Belize. Lived in Washington, Oregon, & Colorado. I received a degree in Buddhist psychology, studied somatic psychology, became a yoga teacher, been trained by the best healers in shamanic practices, learned traditional maya healing, was diagnosed with lyme disease, am in recovery from lyme, waded through the waters of deep depression and suicidal thoughts, and most importantly have learned who I am, what I want, and how to feel again. I've gone to the deepest places of healing to come out able to breathe when I didn't think I could survive it all. I've lost my grandmother, friends, been chewed up and spat back out, kicked around and brushed my self off. ALL BECAUSE I LISTENED.
We think that listening will be easy. We think that when we follow our calling and listen to our intuition that everything will fall into place. We think nothing could go wrong if we just follow our heart and trust. Well.... I'm here to tell you that is a LIE! Yes, it can happen that everything falls into place perfectly. But I can also tell you that following your heart can also lead to heartache and confusion. Listening means knowing that there will be bumps and bruises earned along the way, which in turn makes you so much more fucking stronger. You come out the other end saying "OK! I fucking did that and it was hard and it hurt and even though things weren't working for a bit, now they are and I'm so grateful! Everything actually was working for me and I LISTENED!". Some people don't listen. Some people stay comfortable and allow the "what if's" and the fears to run the show. They have a calling, they think they will go for it, but then they stay in their comfort zone. I tend to not do this. And this is why I'm sharing.
I used to get hard on myself, ok... I'm hard on myself and I'm working on it! I'm working on sending myself the same motivation that I send others. To build myself up as I build up others. So yes, up until recently (like last week!) I realized that I am a listener and a really fucking good one. I've carried this story in my head that I "should be" a certain way. You know, the should's that run the show most times. The should's that should all over our dreams. For me, its.... "I should be more grounded, more focused, have a house that I am creating and making my own, stay somewhere and build community, have a normal life (whatever normal is), and really stay somewhere that I can create a business and grow, grow, grow". Or how about, "I should be better, I should be the best at what I do and who I am, I should be focusing all of my attention on my business and success and be like others who are doing what I'm doing and show that I can do this!" But you know what? This is who I am, it just looks different because I listen. I listen to the calling when something isn't right, when something isn't working for me. I don't stay in a place that I outgrow, or in a relationship that isn't making me happy. I listen when that inner pull is making me so uncomfortable, so painful to stay in the same pattern, to stay in the comfortability that I have to go. I used to see this as my weakness and go into victim mode. I've learned that this is my super power! LISTENING.....
If I didn't listen, I never would have lived in a different country and met my soul mate. I never would have went to Germany to try and be with him and I never would have left him knowing that we both had to go our separate ways to grow and learn. If I didn't listen, I never would have left Germany to go back to the states (hardest thing I have done in my life btw! Leaving the man you love because of timing and your calling) and moved to the Northwest and then I never would have met my mentor and healed myself. If I didn't listen, I never would have gone to Boulder, CO to attend a university I had dreamt of going to since I was 18. I never would have contracted Lyme and gone through a healing crisis that truly broke me and inspired me to love myself and heal even deeper. And I never, ever would have faced my shadow the way I was made to face it when I lived in Boulder! Talk about some hard shit to go through! I had to face who I really was, how I was showing up to others, and how I needed to own my shit. If I didn't listen, I never would have payed attention to the pulling on my heart strings to come back to Seattle, work even deeper in community with my mentor, heal my body, and really grow into the work I love and never would have truly gotten to know myself. And now..... if I wouldn't be listening to this call to go back to Florida, which came by way of me going to a treatment center for Lyme last summer (which I DID NOT want to do, but knew I had to do) I would be stuck in my comfort zone and not growing into my fullest potential.
When I left Florida after 5 weeks of treatment for lyme disease, I cried the last day I was there. I had never felt more connected to that land, to the nature there, the spirits of that land, the sunsets on the beach, and the warmth of the ocean as I did when I was there. I knew then I had to go back and told myself I would give it another winter in Seattle and then decide. The moment I got off the plane in Seattle and my dear friend was driving me home from the airport, I felt like I had outgrown the northwest. I knew it was time to go, but I felt so attached. Attached to this land that has given me so much. So much beauty, so much hurt, so much confusion and uncertainty. I love the people that I know here and the communities I am a part of. The cedars, the beautiful spring that brings cherry blossoms and rhododendrons. I LOVE it here and yet I know its not my place, for many reasons. I know its time to go. I'm being called to go back home, a home I never thought I would want to go back to yet here I am. Listening....
I am now able to see the gifts in not having children and being in a relationship. I am able to follow my calling and my inner listening. I am free in so many ways and its such a gift. I have community all over the world and all over this country from living in different places and traveling. I've lived in mountains, been through floods, experienced dry desert climates, and some of the wettest 9 months of my life! I've surfed and been walking distance to the ocean, woken up to hearing coyotes howling and fox crying, been through crazy wind storms, and monsoon seasons. All of these amazing things because I listened.
So now I ask you. How do you listen, or do you listen? Do you stay in your comfort zone out of fear? Do you visualize what you would like your life to be and tell yourself you could never have those things? Do you limit yourself through your beliefs that you can't have that life, or it could never happen? Do you take time to listen each day and to tap into your heart and get out of your head?
And now I ask this.... How do you want to live this life? How do you want to live? Life is short. Do what makes you uncomfortable and scared. Do what takes you out of your comfort zone. JUST DO IT!
A Note From Heather~
I'm a loving, caring, and intuitive healer, whom feels a deep connection with all beings. On this blog I will share all things Spiritual, Health, Love, Nature, Bodywork, and Healing that needs its voice to be empowered!