Confessions of an Adrenaline Junkie…
You might be asking who I am talking about, especially if you know me personally, or are a client of mine. And wouldn’t you know it, I am talking about myself. But I’m not talking about the kind of adrenaline junkie you are used to hearing about. I don’t like to jump out of planes, or take life-risking adventures to get a huge adrenaline rush! I kind of wish that was the case, because at least then my burnout would make sense to me. I am talking about the adrenaline and addiction to always being “on”, or feeling like I just can’t relax and there is always so much to do. This is the case for most of us these days, especially if you run a small business all on your own, like myself, you can probably relate. Add another layer of being a highly sensitive, intuitive, caregiving lightworker into the mix and it’s just a huge ball of disaster! I’m only half joking :)
So, I thought I would share the story of how I got here and what I am doing about it in hopes to help you unravel the endless patterns of burnout and over-giving that society has taught us to value. Or maybe, and mostly, it is a trauma response deeply embedded into your nervous system. For myself, this has been an ongoing pattern most of my life that does stem from trauma, and many layers of trauma. Some little t’s and some big T’s all sugar coated with high sensitivity and someone who has never handled stress of any kind very well.
I’m sitting here writing this after just getting thru the first week of a two week vacation that I decided to gift myself because I felt extremely burnt out. It has taken me a full week to really relax. A full week to finally feel like I can breathe. A full week to be clearing the energy of others and coming back to my sovereignty. And a full week to really embrace not having to cram as much as I can into the hours I have available, but simply feel ease through my day, doing one task at a time. If you have met me, you might be shocked to learn how addicted to adrenaline I am. I present as a very calm, zen, and easy going person. I always kinda chuckle when my clients ask me how I stay so calm. My reply to them is always, “You have no idea what it’s like in this body and mind! At least I look calm on the outside!” I think some of the calmness used to be there, but over time my inner world has been amped up due to my own lack of self care, worry, fear, and the need to please and care for others. I have a mind that won’t stop and is processing way more information than it should be these days. Not only am I receiving information on an energetic and intuitive level from others around me (mostly on a subconscious level), but now we have the added layers of constant information being fed to us through social media, TV, and everyone else feeding us the same information 24/7. We never get a break and our nervous systems are screaming at us.
I met with another practitioner recently and told her that I am exactly how not to be as a healer. What I mean by this is that I should be doing all the things I tell my clients to do. I do some, but I really am horrible about not listening when I am exhausted, overbooking my schedule (because I want to help everyone), and not clearing and grounding my energy before and after working. I absorb peoples pain and fears, which is pretty common for energy intuitive’s and highly sensitive people. And then at the end of the day, I’m wiped out. So let me give you a bit of my back story so you can understand where this all stems from and how it has been a constant struggle my whole life to find balance in the work I do and being a human in this world. I’m sure most of you can relate!
I grew up very sensitive and quiet. I was extremely shy and introverted and didn’t talk much. Outside of maybe having 1-2 close friends, I spent the majority of my childhood outside with the plants and climbing trees. I loved to spend time alone because being around others didn’t really feel safe. I had to walk on eggshells in my home and was the middle child in between two crazy brothers who really had no interest in me, other than to pick on me and be mean. I remember at one point, I was probably 5, looking up at the sky and watching the clouds pass by (one of my favorite past times) and thinking, “why am I here? What am I actually doing here?” I never really felt like I belonged here, so from a young age it was really difficult to understand the world and being human, which might sound strange, but it’s just what it is! I experienced being bullied for the first time in preschool by a boy in my class. The teachers would have to sit him away from me because he would always smash my fingers in between the desks and punch me. After that experience, I started to get bullied again in 5th grade when we moved to a new town. Girls were mean and my brothers and I really just didn’t fit in because we didn’t grow up with the other kids. The bullying continued up until my 30’s in the form of bosses, other women, anyone I thought had more power over me, etc. To say the least, this created a very insecure woman who never really felt good enough for anyone. To this day I still question if people like me, or if my work is good enough, and if I’m good enough at anything. My job, my relationship, how I interact with others, anything. And this is the ROOT. This is where it all began. I was bullied at home, at school, at work, and from mentors and teachers. And so enters the addictions. And I have grown and worked on these issues, but they are always an underlying theme.
I was addicted to perfection and being good enough and how this manifested for me, after years of burnout, was in the form of chronic insomnia. From insomnia, it led to lyme disease and co-infections. To be honest, I’m not sure which came first! The lyme was a result from an overtaxed nervous system and depleted immune system from years of not sleeping, drinking alcohol, and constantly pushing myself to be better. I started my first independent massage practice in 2009 and would see about 6-7 clients per day 5 days a week. I ran every part of my business on my own from answering calls, to laundry every night when I got home from working all day, filing insurance claims, calling insurance companies, etc. And I was so burnt out I couldn’t even imagine continuing to keep working like this, so after 1.5 years I decided to go back to school to become a trauma therapist. Let me paint the picture for you…. I was already depleted and burnt out, not sleeping, and decided to go back to school full time and cut my working hours in half. Great idea Heather! What do you think happened next??
I can tell you the insomnia got worse, I couldn’t even think and my school load was outrageous. So now I’m even more burnt out. By the end of 3 years of undergrad I felt like a mess. I had planned to go onto grad school and get my master’s in somatic psychology and I knew I just couldn’t. Once I stopped school a whole bunch of fun things happened that just spiraled me further into the hole I was already in. I lived in Boulder, CO and the 100 year flood came through displacing me and my roommates from our mountain home. I moved 5 times that year and finally landed at a really sweet home where I could finally relax in 2014. After I moved in, I started not feeling well and this is when my lyme symptoms started to present themselves, although at the time I didn’t realize what it was. I quit my job as a massage therapist to take time to rest and figure out what was wrong with me. I fell into a deep depression and really couldn’t pull myself out. I lost friends, relationships, my grandmother died, my dog at the time almost died, and then I was diagnosed with lyme. I felt like my world was falling apart. This was in 2015. I moved back to Seattle and then back to Florida in 2018. I never really gave my nervous system the rest it needed, EVER.
When I moved back to Seattle in 2015, the rent was sky high and I had to work extremely hard to pay for rent and medical treatments for lyme. Most people who have lyme would have gone on disability, but I was too proud to do so. Instead, I opened up my business again and was booked until I decided to leave. I should have been resting and healing. When I moved back to Florida, I hustled again to get my business going. Still not feeling great and still stressed and then the pandemic happened. I moved AGAIN thankfully back “home” to another town in Florida. But again, I started my own business and this time without much effort. I became effortlessly extremely busy, which was a huge blessing! My business took off and I have been booked out at least 2 months ever since. I still wasn’t feeling great, had been exposed to toxic mold and heavy metals and was just working too much. And here I am…. exhausted and finally coming face to face with an addicition I have yet to face.
So what happened here? I never listened to my body is what happened. I have been going at it hard, even through illness, because of my trauma brain. My trauma tells me, “You have to do better. You have to prove yourself. You have to put others needs before your own because that is how you cared or others as a child. You have to make more money because you have to be able to support yourself and pay the bills. You have to keep going and can’t stop because there’s so much to do. It’s dangerous to stop and just be, you’ll look lazy.” And I could go on and on and on. And this is what makes me an adrenaline junkie. The over-taxed, under-regulated nervous system that is stuck in fight or flight. When we are in a chronic state of fight or flight we become addicted to the stress hormones that are released. Our normal is high adrenaline and cortisol. Anything outside of that is confusing to our nervous system because its not how we are wired. When it comes down to it, I allow the little, traumatized girl inside to take over. And what is left of me is where I am now….. (all self diagnosed, mostly) leaky gut, chronic fatigue, adrenal fatigue, chronic pain, chronic inflammation and probably close to having an autoimmune issue. Some might say this is result of the lyme, but in reality, the chronic fight or flight is what made me prone to contract lyme. I was already inflamed and depleted and having most of the same symptoms only now my body has had it! And yes, I know I know that I just need to relax and take it easy. And most of my people ask, “What are you stressed about?” All I can say is my poor nervous system is so overtaxed that any little thing feels like a big thing and that is not good!
Here is the other thing that might be good to know about me. I have been a yoga instructor since 2006, a meditation instructor since 2012, hold a degree in Buddhist Psychology with a focus in Somatic Therapy, I have studied trauma and the impacts is has on our health. I have lived off grid in the middle of Costa Rica connecting with the Earth and plants, studied indigenous healing methods and herbs since 2008. And I have been on my own healing journey for the past 24 years thru different forms of therapy, healing circles, grief work, somatic work, breathwork, you name it and I have probably done it! In other words, I know ALOT about all the things related to what I am currently experiencing, so no one is immune (and it makes it a bit more frustraing on my part!). We all have our traumas, we all of our coping skills, and we all have our addictions and imperfections. I simply abandoned my Self, in a way, to help other people and to be able to support myself and my dream. When my business took off in December of 2021, my anxiety went through the roof because I wasn’t prepared and because I was living in mold. So I just dove right into my business, all in. I moved into a new office last fall, which did not go too smooth and caused more stress, and then went right back into work. I lost a dear friend to brain cancer right in the middle of that process and didn’t even have time to grieve her death. So I internalized my grief and just kept working. I know this is part of what I am experiencing now, not only the grief, but the fear it created in me as she was my age. The fear of getting sick, of leaving the Earth too soon, of not knowing if I have another illness that might take me down. Her and I were like two peas in a pod. I used to tell her we came from the same place. She was me, and she showed me what being an over giving does to someone like us. This is a VERY real fear for most of us. But we cannot live in that fear. And the grief we experience will impact the body over time, just like any unprocessed emotion. I am not saying she manifested her dis-ease. But I do know that she ran herself into the ground to help others and was constantly trying to heal herself, same as my Self.
All dis-ease can be directly related to stress, unprocessed emotions, and nervous system dysfunction. Our addictions to perfection and intensity drive us into the ground and deplete us of our most vital resource…. our sovereignty. When we are sovereign beings, we are connected to our intuition and higher power. We are grounded in our own energy and connected to our body. The busyness of everyday life strips us of our connection with the Earth, which clears our body and energy body of EMF’s and positive ions and we get caught up in the soup of modern technology. We become confused and so focused on what is outside of us that we lose sight of what we actually need and stop listening to what our body is trying to tell us. In my case, I just ignored my body’s signals. I heard her, I just ignored her like others had ignored her for so long. I treated her just like my abusers treated me. And my trauma response was to give more to others. I was hurting and helping other people makes me feel better and feel loved. I was the caretaker in my family and learned at a young age that others needs came before mine. I had to make sure everyone else was ok in order to be ok. It’s a beautiful thing in a way because it has made me a very nurturing, empathetic healer. I also believe the gift in my trauma has been my intuition and my ability to really feel others and relate to what they are going thru. My connection with nature at such a young age is what saved me because I felt safe with the trees and the plants. I felt safe listening to birds and the wind and watching the sunset over the orange groves in Florida. Most of all, I felt safe alone where no one could hurt me and that was peaceful to my soul. My intuition has saved my life, so I am always grateful for the trauma.
So now what? I won’t quit working, but I will start listening. I love what I do and the business I have created, but I cannot help everyone. It is a disservice to others to burn myself out. I want to be present and feel good with my clients and in my work. Now it is time to listen deeply to what my soul longs for, which really is connection. Connection back to my body and my calm nervous system using all the tools I have gained over the years. And maybe changing how I work with others. The truth is, this is my personal work. It is not about my clients, it is how I am with my clients and how I run the show. It is all in my hands and it is about taking my power back.
Knowing the root of our trauma is empowering because then we can start to heal. Working on our core wounds can be some of the most profound work we do in our life time. It is extremely difficult to face and to admit really. Re-wiring the nervous system, especially with a history of early trauma, takes alot of time and effort and it is also life changing. With a regulated nervous system, we process the world in a different way. The little things just roll off our backs and we can handle life. It’s in this state that the body can rest and process toxins properly and our immune system can handle invaders and fight them in a healthy way. Take care of your body, your mind, your emotions, and your soul.
I would invite you to start incorporating some of the following practices into each day as much as you can. And if you find yourself saying you don’t have time, then it would benefit you to make time. Because if not, it could be too late. Life is a gift, don’t waste it worrying and doing things that deplete you. Take it from this adrenaline junkie! It’s not worth it!
Practices to incorporate into your life as much as possible;
Spend time outside breathing and listening to nature. No headphones, no phone. Just be in nature
Meditation/Yoga Nidra
Epsom Salt Baths with Essential Oils
Stretching/Yoga/Breathwork
EFT/Tapping
Reading & Journaling
Find a Therapist to work with
Sit and stare at the wall (not even joking!) Or the ocean, mountains, trees, etc. JUST BE
SLOWWWW DOWNNNN….. walk slower, breath slower, move in the world slower
Start cooking
Find hobbies that bring you joy
Connect with others
Reiki/Energy Healing/Sound Healing
All of the best to you! May you find rest and peace in knowing you are not alone and you can heal! You can heal from anything, especially if you listen to your intuition/body/soul. I am right on the healing path with you, always.
Much love!
